A Wikkid good trip to New England. Part One.

This is the first of three posts where I talk about my trip to New England with my family. Sorry man.

But it'll be a good read. With felonies and bacterial infections.

And who doesn't love bacterial infections?

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My girls like to fly. There are Cokes and Sprites.

Parker got our her Bag 'O Shit the second she could and started coloring. Then she pulled the scissors out of her carry on bag. And the 12 oz. bottle of liquid glue.

What's a little FAA Federal Regulation non-compliance when you're having fun on a plane? We're lawbreakers. But it was an accident. I didn't even know about the scissors.

If I knew she could get away with that I would've put the hairspray in her bag.

Our first trip in our three city tour of New England was Bristol, Rhode Island. We were visiting one of my best friends. And you know what she has? A baby.

Parker went full-on Mommy Dearest with that poor thing. Following her around, demanding to hold her, yelling at anyone else who came to near.

She would cry and whine if the baby showed an interest in anyone else.

You have to LOVE ME the most!

And this is a problem because Scott is Parker's father. And babies love Scott. Actually all kids love Scott.

I think maybe he puts out a pheromone that smells like chocolate chip cookies. It's just a theory I'm working on.

Ahhh I love Rhode Island.

Atlanta is a hot sticky humid heat island in the summer. And Rhode Island is cool and breezy and all oceany. What's not to like?

But sometimes Rhode Island pitches a little fit. It is the smallest state and you know how the baby of the family can be.

I know you're thinking how can a state pitch a fit? Well, let me tell you. It throws mud at you. At one of those throwitupinaday carnivals. Seriously deep and thick mud. The kind that steals your flip flops right off your feet and then mocks you with that shuurthuruup noise when you pull it out.

And just when you think you can do some deep breathing exercises to get over the fact that you and your children are covered in a mud swarming with bacteria and quite possibly non-healing staph infections...

THEN it takes a slug - A SLUG - and plants in on your calf where you walk around with it for THREE hours without even noticing and then you feel so skeeved that you can't really sleep. That's how a state can pitch a fit.

I think Rhode Island felt bad about the whole slug incident though. The next day it was all, "Sorry man. I'm just kind of small and when I see how much you like it up here I get nervous. I don't really have room for anyone else. And you know about my strict state-wide zoning code that requires I have one Duncan Donuts per every four residents."

I explained to Rhode Island that although I do have a mad crush on it I have been there in the winter and therefore have no intention of ever actually living there. We made peace and got along just fine after that.

Even the girls were feelin' the love. Tempel made a Baby Bjorn for the Gecko she won off the carnies and it looks like it's doing jazz hands.

I don't know why I think that's so funny.

Bristol has the oldest Fourth of July parade in the country so they take that shit seriously. The parade was three hours long. But Jules got up at 4:30 AM and set up chairs and whatnot and got a spot for us to call our own for the morning so the three hour tour was not bad.

Plus there were four Duncan Donuts within walking distance so we had plenty of coffee at hand.

Seriously, RI what's up with all the Duncan Donuts? It's a little weird.

Nevermind, I don't want to get RI all mad again and have her start tossing leaches at my head. Forget I said anything.

Anyway, leaches and slugs aside we had a fantastic frantic fun-filled few days in Rhode Island with Jules and her family and some dear friends who came down from Boston.

And I left there as infatuated as ever with that little bit of the Ocean State.

It's hard not to love it when you spend your evenings hanging out on a porch with three other couples laughing your ass off while the kids all play together elsewhere. And then you can get up and ride bikes all day along the water.


To the nearest Duncan Donuts for coffee.

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Our second stop on our three city tour was to the town of Ms. Picket. Stay tuned...

But if you can't wait for me to post about it and are wondering how it went from the Picket's perspective you can read her post.

I think that restraining order was a total misunderstanding and we'll be able to head back up there in three to five years.